Restless and Confused

These are confusing times for nearly all of us.

For example, the more I stay home, the more I want to stay at home. But not really.

I am tired of staying home. I am restless. I'm starting to get bored. I miss my travel and my photography. I am an introvert by nature, so staying home because of the pandemic isn't much of an adjustment for me. But I long to be able to do the little things I used to do before the pandemic. I want to be able to get into my car and drive to the grocery store, where I can shop at leisure without wearing a mask. I want to be able to visit someplace without fear of contracting a potentially deadly disease. I want to be able to meet a friend for lunch at a local restaurant. I want to be able to visit the places I had planned to visit this year. I certainly understand and accept the reasons for the stay-at-home orders. I'm just tired of staying at home.

But there also are times when I find myself not wanting to go someplace I need to go. Why is this? I sometimes talk myself out of ordering a meal online and picking it up at a local restaurant's drive-through. I delay trips to the grocery store. It isn't fear of the coronavirus that stops me. I take all precautions when I do venture out. I guess it's apathy. Or maybe it's inertia. Lethargy? Or maybe it's surrender to forces over which I have no control. Maybe it's giving in to the realization that this invisible virus has far greater power than I do, than any of us does.

I don't sit home in my pajamas all day (not with two dogs who expect their early morning walk every day). I don't watch endless hours of television while stuffing my face with chocolates. I engage in a variety of activities: walking, reading, writing, watching television, making photo calendars to raise funds for charity, cooking and housework. I go out to look for interesting things to photograph. I check on single friends. I walk on average one mile more every day than I did before the pandemic hit, for a daily total of 4 miles. Some days I walk 5 miles. Still, I sometimes feel a need to pace or to walk around my yard for a few minutes. The weather is still mostly nice, so being outside even for a few minutes is enjoyable.

I think the word that best describes how I feel is 'restless.' I definitely feel restless. It's hard to sit still, hard to concentrate on reading. The dictionary says that anxiety or boredom can cause a feeling of restlessness. I think that's it. I am a bit anxious (and who isn't these days?) and bored, irritable at times, and frustrated. According to psychologists, these reactions are normal for people in our current, ongoing, never-before-experienced situation. We have no control over this virus, or over much of anything. Our world is topsy-turvy. We can't go to work. We can't hang out with friends. We can't travel. Everything is upside down, and we're not sure how to respond. We are in survival mode.

What we can do is follow the health department guidelines: stay at home as much as possible. Avoid large groups of people. Wash our hands frequently. Wear a mask when in public. We can control our behavior. We can control our reactions to this situation. We can use our time to learn a new skill, or to catch up on reading. And that's about all we can control.

Now it's time to confront things head on, starting with a walk. It's time to work out that restlessness with some physical exercise and more reading. Recently I read a book about a 67-year-old grandmother of 23 who walked the entire Appalachian Trail in a pair of Keds and with a homemade sack over her shoulder. Now she sounds like a person who was restless!

So yeah, things definitely are challenging. And if I feel restless, I can walk around my beautiful back yard or go for a longer walk in the neighborhood. Restlessness isn't so bad. I, and everybody else, will get through this.