This Is My Platform

 If I were to run for public office, this would be my platform.

I will end inflation. I will lower the price of gasoline. I will make the US an officially Christian nation. I will ban all abortions for any reason, including to save the life of the woman. I will encourage drilling for oil and natural gas everywhere. I will ban all books that teach anything with which I don't agree. I will surround myself with the dumbest, most corrupt and repugnant people I can find, as long as they have lots of money to pay me. 

I will do nothing to help the poor or the oppressed. I will get rid of safety nets such as Medicare and Social Security despite the fact that millions of Americans have paid into these programs for decades. I will eliminate affordable health care. I will end public health programs.

I will encourage racism and anti-Semitism on a massive scale. After all, America should return to its foundation as a white country. And I will end all immigration.

I will ban all public protests.

Gays and transgender people can go back into the closet where they belong.

I will cancel all environmental protection programs. I will offer bounties for the killing of predators such as wolves and bears. I will sell expensive permits for hunting and trapping these animals.

In short, I will do what is best for me and for my colleagues, not what is best for the country and its citizens.

I will be a Republican.

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I have no desire to run for public office. The 'platform' above is written sarcastically about the state of the current iteration of the Republican Party.

Please, if you haven't already, vote on Nov. 8. The fate of our democracy depends on it.