Rediscovering Her Roots

I adopted my daughter from Russia the day after her 11th birthday. At age 22, she has now lived half her life with me in America. Although she can understand some Russian, her ability to speak her native language is quite limited.

Because she was older when she was placed in an orphanage, she has memories of life with her birth family, including siblings, cousins, aunts and grandparents. She also has many questions. I once asked whether she wanted to search for her birth parents (there are groups that work with investigators in Russia to search for birth families), but she wasn't interested.

Then last year she said she would like to do a birth family search. So I contacted a woman with a good record of finding birth families in Russia, in conjunction with a man 'on the ground' in Russia. We provided the requested information, my daughter wrote a letter to her birth mother, and the search began. Through the efforts of the brother of the director of the last orphanage in which she stayed (he is a police officer), we were able to get the address of the birth father. But no trace of the birth mother was found. She had moved and nobody knew where she was. The investigator in Russia also gathered some information about the birth father, who reportedly was still in and out of jail. But the search for the birth mother hit a dead end. 

Then a few weeks ago, my daughter was watching an episode of 'Millionaire Matchmaker.' The matchmaker herself was adopted and did a search for her birth mother. That prompted my daughter to start her own search, beginning with Facebook. And amazingly, she found her! The name, city and birth date all matched. My daughter used an online translating program to write a brief note in Russian, and a couple of days later, she got a response.

She and her birth mother have chatted via Facebook nearly every day since then, although the 12-hour time difference makes contact difficult. The birth mother speaks no English, but my daughter's online translator helps the communication. 

My daughter is finally getting answers to some long-held questions about her past, updates on various family members (several of which have died of heart disease, which apparently runs in the family) and at least a partial explanation of a variety of things her parents did that resulted in my daughter being placed in an orphanage. She also has learned that one of her great-grandparents was Polish.

The birth mother, according to my daughter, refers to me as my daughter's mom, so she is not attempting to reclaim that role. My daughter refers to her birth mother by her name; she calls me 'Mom." My daughter is showing great maturity in handling this sudden and uncomfortable situation. When the birth mother asked whether my daughter hates her, my daughter's response was that no, she doesn't hate her. After years of therapy and the act of growing up, she forgives her birth mother but will not forget what she did. 

I also have become Facebook friends with the birth mother. We chat via Facebook on occasion, but mostly about our dogs. But my daughter shares with me her conversations with her birth mother, at one point asking whether her talking to her birth mother upset me. It doesn't upset me at all. I am happy she is getting answers to her questions and that my daughter hopes to become friends with the woman who gave birth to her. My daughter's love and loyalty are with me. I just don't want her to be hurt again. Birth mother has said she doesn't want to lose my daughter again. The birth father has had little to say, and my daughter has shown little interest in communicating with him. This is a situation that will take considerable time to play out.

So this year is ending with a new beginning for several people on both sides of the globe. I hope my daughter and her birth mother find comfort in their budding friendship. It also has prompted my daughter and me to work on improving our skills in Russian, so we can better communicate with someone who appears to have finally got her life together and wants to get to know the daughter she rejected years ago.

Dear Daughter

Dear Daughter,

December holds so many important dates for us. Today, you are 22 years old. December 21 is the date I went to court in western Siberia and appeared before a judge to get approval to adopt you. December 28 is the day you landed in America to begin your new life. How far we have come since then!

When you arrived in your new home, you spoke no English, and I sometimes struggled to find the right Russian words to communicate with you. I remember sitting at the kitchen table looking up the Russian words for 'numerator' and 'denominator' as I tried to explain fractions to you.

Shopping for pretty new shoes.

.

We went through many very difficult times together, you because of your abandonment, trust and reactive attachment issues and ADHD, I because I was totally unprepared to deal with a child with so many issues. But we muddled through together. I learned a great deal about the issues adopted kids often bring with them. And you, although you resisted going to therapy for a long time, eventually embraced the help that was offered to you. Through it all, as hard as you tried to hurt me and push me away, I never gave up on you, although I came close a couple of times. 

You graduated from high school and remained adrift for a couple of years, working a succession of fast-food jobs. Then you found a job as a server and did great at that. And then you decided you needed to prepare for a job that would serve you in the years to come, and that wasn't in the fast food business. So you went to cosmetology school, where you struggled until you transferred to a school more in tune with you. You got an externship at a local salon, you passed your state boards and got your license, and your externship became a real full-time job. After dating a succession of losers, you found a great guy and you recently got engaged. 

Just a few days ago, you reconnected with your birth mother on Facebook. Communicating with her in your native language, which you haven't used in several years, is a challenge, but you are 'talking' to her online. You have forgiven her for the things she did and for rejecting you, but you will never forget. And that is a huge step in healing emotionally. Because not forgiving someone hurts you, not the person who hurt you. I hope you get answers to the questions you have carried with you for so many years. And I love the fact that you are willing to share your conversations with me.

I am so incredibly proud of you, of everything you have overcome and of the kind, compassionate, successful young lady you are. I may not have given birth to you, but I definitely am your mother. And you are my daughter, for now and for always.

Happy 22nd birthday!

Love,

Mom

A Mother's Pride

Any mother worth the title is proud of her children.

But when that child has overcome incredible obstacles, from being born into a family of alcoholics, to being adopted by a new family, to learning a new language and culture, to struggling with PTSD and ADHD and low self-esteem, to reach a milestone in her life, THAT is reason to be especially proud. And I am an especially proud mom.

My daughter was born in western Siberia to a family with a long history of alcoholism. Her birth father is also a drug addict. She was bounced from family member to family member. At best, her birth mother ignored her. At worst, she abused her. Finally the Russian government stepped in and removed her from the family, placing her in a series of orphanages.

She and I met when she was almost 11 years old. She was part of a group of Russian orphans visiting the U.S. for a 'culture camp,' but in reality the goal was to find adoptive families for the children. I volunteered to have a girl stay with me, since my undergraduate degree is in Russian language. That simple decision -- to host a Russian orphan for a couple of weeks -- changed both our lives forever.

We hit it off immediately, and she wasted no time in telling me that she wanted to stay in America and for me to be her mom. Of course, she was required by both Russian and American laws to return to Russia while I prepared the mounds of paperwork required by both governments. Neither of us had any idea how long this would take, so I told her I would come for her in Russia as soon as I got in permission. The wait took only three months, a much shorter amount of time than expected.

I traveled to Russia just before Christmas, appeared in a Russian courtroom, and the adoption was approved. Once I brought her home, things went well for a while. It was wonderful to watch her learn about so many new things, from our huge grocery stores to the many toys and hair accessories for sale. This honeymoon period came to a crashing halt, and she -- and I -- struggled for a long time. When I started this journey, I had little knowledge about reactive attachment disorder (RAD), but I soon became an expert in this and several other emotional disorders common among children from an orphanage background. A therapist once told me that if he ever had a child with RAD, he would want advice from me rather than a therapist, most of whom are clueless about RAD.

But with lots of treatment by people specially trained to treat these disorders, she began to change, and I began to better understand the workings of her 'trauma brain,' as one therapist called it. Although she often struggled, she continued to make changes in her behaviors. She graduated from high school, completing the final year with on-line and correspondence classes. This was a major accomplishment, but she persevered (with a lot of encouragement -- OK, nagging -- from mom.)

As a hands-on learner, sitting through hours of classes in college didn't seem like a good option fr her post-high school education. But as someone with a great deal of creativity and an outgoing personality, cosmetology school seemed like a good choice. She left the first cosmetology school when it became obvious it wasn't a good fit for her, but she really liked the second school. She graduated in late July and got a job working at a local salon while awaiting a date for her state board exam. She studied really hard and despite her test anxiety, she passed the written test with flying colors. She did even better on the practical exam. So now she has her license, a job she likes and what should be a rewarding career ahead of her.

So THIS is why I am such a proud mom. Yes, it seemed at times that she would never graduate, but we never gave up. I knew that once she sets her mind to something, there is no stopping her. And that was exactly what happened. She got extra hours for working as an unpaid extern at a local salon (which has hired her as a stylist). She studied hard for her written board exam and passed with a very good score.


So now this former orphan, who knew no English and had known little but hurt and rejection, has a loving mom, a wonderful, supportive boyfriend, a good job that she enjoys and is really good at, and a wonderful sense of accomplishment.

I think we both should be extremely proud, don't you?

The Gift

Today I want to write about a very special gift.

First, some background. I adopted my daughter from Russia the day after her 11th birthday in 2004. The intervening years have been a roller coaster ride of good times and bad, of challenges and victories, of setbacks and progress.

Like many children with a history of trauma and time spent in an orphanage, she doesn't always think or react the way a child with a more stable, loving upbringing would. She has attachment issues, and forming appropriate relationships is a challenge for her. It has taken me years of research, reading, experience and talking with therapists and other adoptive parents to sort of understand how her brain works.

But despite everything that has gone on, her adoption has been a gift. It wasn't a gift from her birth parents, who neglected and abused her and who ultimately lost their parental rights. But her adoption was a gift to me nonetheless. The gift was in being able to help, and watch, my daughter learn to deal with her traumatic past, a past that will forever haunt her to some degree. She has had to learn to love and to be loved, to allow me to take care of her, and to realize that she deserves a loving mom and a wonderful life. She is a wonderfully kind and compassionate young lady (now 19 years old). She loves little kids and animals, especially dogs. Her gift to me has been allowing me to help her grow from girl to young lady, from one who was unable to give or accept love to someone who now believes that she deserves to be loved, from someone who saw no future to a young woman looking forward to a bright future.

Recently I experienced adoption from the other side of the fence, when my daughter became pregnant at the age of 18. She isn't in a position to raise a baby, so she decided to put the baby up for adoption. As an adoptee herself, she rightly worried about her baby daughter suffering from the attachment issues with which she has struggled. But a friend of mine, a developmental psychologist, has reassured us that the baby shouldn't be faced with attachment issues since she will not spend time in an institution, being passed from caregiver to caregiver. She will be raised in a stable, loving, two-parent home. Her needs for affection, food, clean diapers and other essentials will be met on demand rather than according to a predetermined timetable as in the orphanage. The adoptive parents have been educated about attachment issues and how to help their new daughter form strong bonds with them. They have received instruction from the adoption agency, and they have read books about raising an adopted child. I shared my hard-won knowledge about attachment issues with the mom. And the baby went home with them when she was just two days old.

Giving a child up for adoption is a challenge for most mothers. It is not an easy decision to make, no matter how wonderful the adoptive family is. My daughter's head knows that she did the right thing. Her heart, on the other hand, still aches from the decision. Signing the court papers formally and irrevocably relinquishing her parental rights was a heartbreaking act.

I hope she realizes that her selfless actions were a wonderful gift to the family that adopted this baby girl, a family that longed for a child to love. It was a gift to the little baby as well -- the gift of the best chance at a wonderful life given by the young woman who grew to love her over the 10 months of her pregnancy. And although she probably wouldn't want to admit it, it also was a gift to herself. Now she can pursue her hopes of going to college, something she would have been unable to do had she tried to raise the baby herself. I told her recently that since she has made the painful decision to put her baby up for adoption, it is now up to her to take full advantage of the opportunities open to her. And by choosing an open adoption, she will be able to watch this little girl grow up, to follow her progress and to be part of her life. The baby will one day know her birth mother and the love she has for her.

Adoption is a gift. It is a gift to the child who is adopted and given a loving family. It is a gift to the adoptive parents, who are given the opportunity to raise and love a child. And although it may not seem such, it is a gift to the birth mother, who is able to offer her child an opportunity for the life she is unable to provide at that time in her life.

I am incredibly proud of my daughter for the gifts she has given the world, as an adoptee and as a birth mother.