Scared

I don't scare easily.

I have sat in an open safari vehicle as male lions walked quietly by just a few feet away. I have been in a similar vehicle as a large bull elephant charged my friends and me. I have peered through bushes at a rhinoceros and at an elephant during a walking safari. I have photographed mother grizzly bears with two one-year-old cubs just yards away in Alaska. 

I was, of course, aware that any of these animals could easily kill me. I followed instructions from our guides or group leader. I was attentive to the actions and moods of the animals at all times. But I wasn't scared. Rather, I was amazed and thrilled to be in the presence of these amazing animals. I trusted my guides to keep me safe.

But do you know what does scare me? A tiny virus, far too small to be seen without a very powerful microscope. What scares me is the coronavirus. And what scares me just as much is the ignorance, greed and self-centeredness of far too many Americans. And let us not forget the incompetence of the current administration that refused to prepare the country for the coming pandemic and in fact declared it to be a "hoax."

We in the US, and most of the world, are at war with this virus. This is a war for which, despite warnings that we would be attacked and face a viral pandemic, we did not prepare. This is a war that finds us without the equipment our front-line fighters, the doctors, nurses, paramedics and respiratory therapists, need not only to save patients' live, but their own. Fighting this war without sufficient medical equipment is akin to sending our military off to war without adequate weapons and ammunition.

So yes, I am scared. I am scared for myself as part of a high-risk group. And I am scared for everyone else, because this virus attacks people in every age group, from infant to senior citizen. I am scared for people exposed to the virus on a daily basis as they stock grocery store shelves, bag our groceries, and tend to the sick. And I am scared for workers who are unable to work because their employers have had to close up shop temporarily. 

I also am scared because this is a new virus, so the epidemiologists and virologists don't know what it will do or how long the pandemic may last. Perhaps the greatest source of fear is of the unknown. And having no control over this virus, being unable to get vaccinated against it (yet), only adds to the fear. I have no control over others' behavior, which too often leaves innocent people at greater risk of contrasting this disease.

I am scared because far too many people refuse to take this pandemic seriously, refusing to stay at home and to avoid large groups of people. I wonder every time I venture into a grocery store whether I will bring the virus home with me. I wonder whether I should change clothes every time I come home from grocery shopping (and I don't go shopping very often). Perhaps the greatest source of fear is of the unknown. I have made arrangements with friends to care for my dogs should I become hospitalized. Just in case, you know. One less thing to worry about.

So I control as much of my life as I can. I do what I can to stay safe. I avoid going to public places unless really necessary. I order as much as possible online. I wash my hands frequently. I disinfect frequently touched surfaces in the house. I try to keep occupied with chores, with reading and sometimes, with watching television. I make sure to have sufficient food and other supplies without hoarding. I stick to my routine, and I exercise every day. I have been looking for interesting things to photograph in my neighborhood. And I write.

In the end, that's all I can do. I can't make this fear go away, but I can minimize its impact on me.